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Post by ryan smith on Aug 11, 2008 20:45:54 GMT -5
. ryan.
[/size] i wanna be a rockstar.[/center][/font][/blockquote] ryan smith was a sucker for the rules. you wouldn't see ryan smith not doing homework, or skipping class. ryan smith was the perfect student, the teachers pet. ryan smith was going to burst if someone reminded him once more. so what if he hadn't been very cheerful lately? so what if he wasn't 20 hours a day in the library? so what if he'd rather not answer questions in class? ryan smith needed a break from his perfectly planned schedule.
after lunch, ryan had excused himself from his table, declining the offer to join the study club. maybe another day, he had said with a smile, and then turned his back to the quiet gossip forming. it was so unlike him to not be eager about burying his face in a book that it became gossip throughout the whole school. with slow steps that got quicker the further away he got from the main hall, ryan found his way outside, and breathed. this past month had been hectic, with a lot of homework to do and hardly any free time. the weekends he always spent them doing research, or doing work early. he never had time to spare.
it wasn't as if he hadn't planned that. ryan smith had carefully calculated what he'd be doing every hour of the day, so that he wouldn't have time to think. because he knew that, if he did think, he'd think about molly. he'd think about her hurt expression. he'd think about their kiss. and that was something that couldn't happen; not around everyone. that was why he had been so idle the past couple of days. his mind couldn't bear it any longer, and he had let it slip a handful of times. he'd find himself gasping for air in the middle of a class, not knowing where he was. as if he was drowning. ryan smith needed a time out, and fast.
if it weren't because no one thought he'd do it, he wouldn't have done it. no one ever thought about ryan smith breaking the sacred school rules. no one ever thought much about ryan having cracks. the perfect student façade had lasted long enough that he had even believed it himself, not allowing any breakthroughs. but today was different, he was surrendering. when people asked, he'd say he was at the prefect bathroom, or at the room of requirement. no one would ever know he had stumbled to the forbidden forest. no one would even think about it. ryan smith never broke any rules, did he?
in a haze, he managed to reach the edge of the forbidden forest, not sure of how his legs had supported him. it seemed like his heart and his head wanted this break rather badly. biting his lip, he took a conscious step forward, testing his limits. not too bad, he thought, and took another step. and another. and another. soon, he was walking briskly through the forests, not even thinking about the dangers. it seemed like the forest wanted him to have a break, too. a big bubble surrounded him, and nothing could get through. not today. after of what seemed an hour of walking, his knees finally gave in, dropping him to the soft ground. ryan stayed lying down on the soft, wet grass, unable to get up. he took a deep breath, and waited. waited for the memories, the feelings and the pain to come rushing back. as a defense mechanism, his body grew tired, trying to shield him from such harm. it was a useless effort, as they'd come as nightmares anyway. with a pleased smile, he surrendered to everything, letting go. his eyes closed, his body switching off.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 11, 2008 21:00:54 GMT -5
` don't you wish you could know my deepest secrets?
having that numb feeling never wore off. the feeling that she could only remember bits and pieces of what happened. the things she could remember pained her, like someone was stabbing her in the heart. but, no matter how she tried, she couldn't get out of the numbness. molly had neglected her schoolwork, something she never did. she'd stayed away from her friends, for they only reminded her of him. ryan, her old best friend, the boy she confided everything to. everything.
but now, it was no more. the memories of her crying flooded into her head, the kiss, more tears, more pain, and running to ricky for help. she loved him, she knew that. but, she'd always known that. hadn't she? no, no time for thinking to much.
molly's arm where wrapped tightly around her, as if it's stop her from crying more. crying about everything. how she'd messed everything up. how she'd messed her whole life up in one hour. it was hard to believe, yet, it happened. it really did.
when she looked up out of her trance, she was in the forbidden forest. actually in it. she could see no light from where she was standing, and she turned around, her arms still holding her carefully in place. then, she ran. it wasn't one of those things where you jog slowly, but a full blown run, just to let everything out.
but, she couldn't bring her arms away from around her. but, they hadn't left that spot in weeks, maybe more. but, in a second, they flew away from her, and she fell. not much of a surprise really. she wasn't that graceful before. but, when she looked at what she tripped over, her arms went around her again, and her stomach dropped a thousand miles.
she'd tripped over ryan.
the pain that seemed to disappear when she ran, all came flooding back in a giant wave of emotion. and that hurt worse than any fall.
"ry," she whispered to herself, scooting away. but, saying his name hurt worse, and she was sure her face showed how she felt. her stomach did an awkward jolt when she looked into his eyes, their beautiful color hurt, even worse than looking at him.
"i-i-i'm sorry i tripped over you," molly brought herself to say, louder this time. but, it was like her voice lost it's spark, it's joyfulness. now, it was a hollow sound, as it'd turned into after not speaking in weeks.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 12, 2008 6:14:24 GMT -5
. ryan.
[/size] how to save a life.[/center][/font][/blockquote] the light breeze hummed through the trees, a dim light reaching the small meadow in which he lay. it was peaceful and still, like heaven. while he slept numbly, it seemed like all his troubles flew away with the wind, disappearing into thin air. his body felt weightless, as if he was floating above the ground, trouble-free.
the problems with molly seemed miles away, light years away. ryan knew they were still there, that everything had happened, but it seemed so far away… the images zoomed through his mind, the memories flooding his senses, but they didn't affect him. it didn't pain him to think about what had happened, it was as if he had let go of everything. sure, it would still be hard to see molly everyday and feel her so far away, but he'd deal.
an hour or two had passed, and he wasn't planning on moving. he'd be back before they missed him, he didn't want people to come looking for him. one thing was breaking the rules and another thing was getting caught. suddenly, his airs got the lightest of sounds: a heavy breathing and the rustle of leaves. he thought nothing of it, as it was probably some magical creature running around wildly. his senses grew more alert, however, when he heard it closer, barely ten meters away. his hand gripped his wand tightly, his lips forming into a thin line.
he was just about to jump up, when he felt the creature over him, and, in a blur, it fell. the creature had fell over him, which made ryan's hold on his wand tighter as he sat up, trying to adjust his sight. when he got used to the dim light that passed through the canopy, he realized it wasn't a creature, but a person. a girl.
When he heard her soft voice, he was certain that it wasn't any girl. It was molly. all the pain that had slipped away came rushing back when he saw her expression; ryan wasn't ready for that. she scooted away defensively, but all he could do was stare at her wide-eyed as he was frozen on the spot. for the past month, all their conversations had happened in halls, or classrooms. they hadn't spent time together, not like before. ryan both hated that and loved it, as he wanted to be more with her but he knew that it was better this way. she probably loathed him because of what had happened, so the least time he spent with her, the less guilty he'd feel when he stared into her eyes.
"it's okay, m…molly," he found it hard to say her name, as if it was wrong. he shouldn't be allowed to speak to her, he truly wondered why rick hadn't killed him yet. there was really no excuse for his behavior, and he shouldn't allow himself to talk to her. he didn't deserve her, she was too kind and generous.
"you didn't know i was here. you didn't see me." he added, not wanting her to feel bad. looking up at her, he wished he had never escaped to the forest. those sad, hurt eyes pierced his soul, sticking to his mind. not even another escape from himself would get them out of his mind now.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 12, 2008 10:39:06 GMT -5
` you warned me that you would leave but before i could hold you back, you where gone
"you didn't know i was here. you didn't see me." he added, not wanting her to feel bad. molly felt a ping at her heart, a small jolt of pain going through her body as she listened. it was like someone was reminded her of a friendship that was unraveling before her eyes.
"yeah. but, i fell pretty hard, are you sure i-i didn't hurt you?" molly questioned, the question hanging in the air. of course she had, in more ways than one, but she didn't want to think about that. not after everything. she'd lost grip on herself, on who she was. though, she wanted it back, it was long gone.
molly couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes, at least, not yet. she tightened her hold on herself, like it was something she didn't want, but needed to do. because, who knew what would happen if she let go of herself.
would she cry? not having her best friend there hurt, and the reason he wasn't there hurt even worse. from what she remembered, she was the cause for this.
"i'm sorry, for everything. really, really sorry," molly whispered, looking at him finally. admitting she was wasn't as hard as she thought, but remember why was.
"i - i just need my best friend back," she whispered to herself, looking down. though, part of her felt better for admitting that, there was no way she'd let go of herself, not yet.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 12, 2008 14:28:25 GMT -5
. ryan.
[/size] sometime the hardest thing and the right thing are the same,.[/center][/font][/blockquote] his mind break had served for little, as his body was tense again, the desired feeling of freedom disappeared. staring into molly's innocent eyes had made all the feelings rush back again, sinking him down. again he was looking at the eyes of the girl he had always protected from harm, harm such as the one he was causing her now.
he just couldn't see her as a friend now, when being more had felt so right. being friends just wasn't enough anymore when he felt so strongly about her. it was as if he was missing out on the best thing, and changing it for something much less. sure, he treasured her friendship but it wasn't enough.
had she hurt him? no, not when she tripped. in other ways? no, not at all. she could never hurt him, she hadn't done anything. he had gotten her drunk, and she…well, she hadn't been able to control clearly. it was him who should've done something to stop her, to stop her from doing something she'd regret. because, obviously, she did regret it. sadly, he didn't and it was all he could think about.
"no, no, no, no, no,"he shook his head, trying to bring her relief,"no harm done." he tried to smile as he raised his hands up, and then let them drop onto his lap. he couldn't be funny when he felt asphyxiated. he couldn't try and cheer her up if he couldn't cheer himself up, he just didn't feel it.
ryan had been scared of this moment for a whole month. of spending time alone with her, time that he knew would be spent talking of what had happened. should he bring it up? or should he wait until she spoke? he couldn't debate for a very long time before she looked up at him and apologized.
she was sorry? ryan was awestruck, what was she apologizing for? what had she supposedly done? it was him who had gotten her drunk, he who hadn't stopped her, he who kissed her again. she was not to blame, her only fault was listening to him. ryan had repeated that to her more than twice, but she didn't see the truth. it was amazing how she kept blaming herself.
"molly,"he started, but she kept apologizing,"molly, it was all my fault. and don't try to deny it. i feel bad enough for having caused everything, don't make me feel bad because of this. don't blame yourself for something you didn't do, it's an unnecessary weight in your mind." he said quickly but firmly, letting the protective instinct rule his words.
he wished he hadn't heard her say that sentence. he wished she hadn't said those words that pierced through his heart. she spoke nothing but the truth, but he didn't want to see it. from being together everyday, they now barely talked. and it was sure it was because of his decision to stay away from her life. he had thought it was the easiest and least painful thing for both of them, but maybe that wasn't right. if he could turn back time, he'd try and talk to her normally again, to stop hurting her so much. it was just so wrong to talk as friends when he felt so much strongly. for his black and white mind, they were either lovers or nothing. and he had chosen nothing.
"i'm so sorry," he looked down, his head hanging,"i just thought it was the best thing to do." he bit his lip, wondering if she'd be mad. what if she stood up and walked away, sick of him? ryan would accept any decision she made, as it was probably the right one. she wasn't like him, she never screwed up.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 12, 2008 15:00:00 GMT -5
` it's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
"molly,"he started, but she kept apologizing,"molly, it was all my fault. and don't try to deny it. i feel bad enough for having caused everything, don't make me feel bad because of this. don't blame yourself for something you didn't do, it's an unnecessary weight in your mind." he said quickly but firmly, letting the protective instinct rule his words. molly sighed quietly. he was wrong, terribly wrong. he wasn't to blame for any of this. she had agreed to it, she caused all of this. if she hadn't agreed, they wouldn't be in this situation. they would still be close friends.
no. she was not going to back down, it was her fault. wasn't it? she could remember- no. she wasn't blaming him. not now, not ever.
"i'm so sorry," he looked down, his head hanging,"i just thought it was the best thing to do." the best thing to do? what on earth would make him think that. what would make him think that she didn't love him? that she didn't need him by her every single day? hadn't he ever thought of that? oh, but she did. she loved him with every bone in her body, though not the way he thought she did. she loved him like her parents love each other.
she looked at him, a possibly clear pain shown in her eyes. taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, fighting back tears. it was hard enough to see him, and hearing that was even harder in some aspects.
"why - why would you think that?" molly questioned, opening her eyes and looking at him. she probably didn't want to hear the answer, but she needed to. like it could make it okay. which, it might not, but it was worth a shot.
but, he was her best friend. her confidant. the boy she'd always loved. though, she'd never told him. but, it wasn't like she could now. she'd blown that a while ago.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 12, 2008 17:23:10 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] all at once [/center][/font][/blockquote] why? why did he think that it was better to walk away? maybe it was because every time he looked at her, it hurt them both. maybe it was because it hurt to even think about going back to normal. he just couldn't go back to normal, and erase what had happened, like she could. she probably didn't remember every word or every kiss. she couldn't feel the memories sting every time she saw him. she probably knew they weren't as friends anymore, but she didn't know why. ryan, on the other hand, remembered everything and found his choice understandable. it was a bit selfish, he'd admit that, but he didn't want to harm them both. he thought he was doing more harm to her if he talked to her daily, and treated her like before. from his point of view, ignoring her wasn't that bad.
he looked up, and he knew she was watching up. probably trying to figure out why he was suddenly being such a jerk, so insensitive. he did truly believe that if they stopped talking, the scars would heal, and that maybe they'd be friends again. not as close friends, because he couldn't deal with that. treating her like he had done before was something he couldn't handle. hugging her, sitting close to her, comforting her...he wouldn't be able to control himself. true, he had a huge self-control and maybe he could swallow his jealousy and sadness to be with her. he could just be as passive as he had always been, not fighting for what he wanted.
but what did he want? he wasn't even sure. what he didn't want was to be her best man, her second favourite boy. he had done that for sixteen years, and now that he had tried being number one, he wanted more. it was such a greedy and selfish thought that it made him hate himself, but he couldn't help it. he couldn't stop his heart from ruling over his rational mind, as much as it bothered him. he wished he could stop thinking like that, and see molly as just a good friend, but that was impossible. it was like an addiction, once you tried it you couldn't get out.
"because..."he sighed, not wanting to say anything so that she wouldn't hate me, "because it is the right thing. it hurts us both, i know... but not as much. if you could just remember, it'd make it all so much easier..."he slumped his shoulders, feeling defeated. he didn't want to be talking about this with her, he knew it would hurt her. whatever he did would hurt her now, and that was something he couldn't stand. one thing was the pain of the memories and all the things he regretted, but making molly suffer...it was too much.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 12, 2008 18:32:48 GMT -5
` nothing is simple
"because..."he sighed, not wanting to say anything so that she wouldn't hate me, "because it is the right thing. it hurts us both, i know... but not as much. if you could just remember, it'd make it all so much easier..."he slumped his shoulders, feeling defeated. though she could only remember bits and pieces, she did remember what generally happened. she remembered the kiss he gave her, then more confusing bits and pieces after that.
she knew she should say she did, but she couldn't bring herself to. maybe because the words would hurt? not, because she thought it would hurt ryan.
"ry-" molly said, her voice trailing off, in case he didn't like her calling him that any more. "i remember parts. not everything, i'm sure. but, i remember some," molly finished, sighing as she finished. she didn't know how to explain it other than that. and, she doubted that made any sense what so ever.
but, she still didn't know why they couldn't be friends anymore after the parts she remembered. there was more to the story parts she knew, that was for sure, but all the same.
"i remember telling ricky not to hurt you, feeling bad and running toward the castle, and when you -" molly's voice caught, and she looked down at her shoes. even now, when she was sober, she didn't regret kissing him back. but, how to say that, she didn't know. she wasn't just going to spit out how much she loved him, she couldn't. she couldn't tell him she didn't regret kissing him either. he wouldn't believe her, would he?
"ry, i don't see why we have to avoid each other. i don't want to lose you," molly whispered, looking at him. her statement hung in the air, lingering in her ears. she didn't regret it, but she hoped it didn't cause him pain.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 13, 2008 9:51:04 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] the sun goes down. [/center][/font][/blockquote] bits and pieces...that was what was left of their relationship. of course, she couldn't understand it. she couldn't understand it at all. he had said that he loved her, and she didn't remember. that was the key point of it all. he loved her like something more than a friend, and it hurt so bad trying to forget that. it was impossible to go back as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't admitted it to himself. it was different now than when he mistook it for deep friendship. before he thought that the desire to be with her all the time, to protect her from harm was all a deep friendship. now he knew that it was love what he felt for her.
he wanted so bad to reply that she didn't remember that he had said that he loved her. he wanted to just run away and not have this conversation that was harming them both. however, that was impossible, and had to sit there and watch her suffer.
"rick?"his words stuck in his throat, nearly choking. rick channing, the seventeen year old gryffindor molly spent all day with. he was the joker and playboy of the school, and he seemed to have developed a love for molly. he hoped it wasn't the kind of love he felt for her, or ryan smith would be screwed. he couldn't compete against rick. his eyebrows furrowed...hurt? uh oh. so rick officially had him in his black list. well that could never be good. it wasn't as if he would stand up to him, but he would carry his wand around at all times. "don't say that, i deserve it."he said, sighing. if rick was going to beat him up, well... he did have a good reason to do so.
and when he, what? she remembered he kissed her? oh no no no. crap. that was something he hoped she'd forget, so that he wouldn't be embarrassed. a faint blush crept to his pale face as he remembered the amazing kissing, but then he pressed his lips to a thin line, to stop the memories from drowning him. he had to be focused for now, keep the memories in a safe closet.
he cringed, and looked away. of course she didn't understand why. in all truth, he didn't either. it was just some sort of punishment that he had imposed himself, something to remind him of his mistakes. something to remind him that he kept hurting the person he loved the most in the world. when he staid away, he felt like he was protecting her from himself, from the boy that had been reckless enough to lead her into danger. it would hurt for a while, he was sure, but he knew that in years time, she'd be happy and well. and him? what would be left of ryan smith, who sacrificed himself to make her happy? honestly, he didn't even know how he was going to survive, but there had to be some way.
"i don't want to lose you either,"he muttered, still looking away,"but it's just the only way."he added and looked back at her. to not hurt you… would have been his next sentence but when his eyes met with her's he couldn't say anything. hurting her while he stared into her eyes hurt twenty times more, thousands of stabs to his heart. as corny as that sounded.
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