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Post by molly driver on Aug 13, 2008 10:50:35 GMT -5
` i'd die here without your love
"just because you think you do doesn't mean i'm going to give him the go ahead," molly whispered, knowing that there would never be a day she did that. well, at least, there would never be a day that she did it on purpose. and just because ryan was stubborn and still thought he deserved it was not a good reason to cause him physical harm too.
she'd done enough damage. hadn't she?
"i don't want to lose you either,"he muttered, still looking away,"but it's just the only way."he added and looked back at her. the only way to what? it was like he couldn't finish his sentence. but, no matter what it would've ended with, molly knew that it would've made her feels bad, or worse, make him feel bad. but, just by her being here was she probably did that. which made her feel even worse.
molly sighed, and looked toward the tree beside her. she couldn't look him in the eyes. it wasn't physically possible right now. she'd caused him pain that she could see, and she would never forgive herself for that.
"the only way to what?" molly asked, looking at him again. she had only now noticed a faint blush on his cheeks, but it was disappearing rapidly. she would've smiled normally, but she didn't feel normal.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 13, 2008 18:19:08 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] i don't want to miss a thing. [/center][/font][/blockquote] he lowered his head, feeling ashamed. molly didn't want him to get hurt, even if he deserved it. because he did deserve getting hurt by rick, it was just physical pain. nothing potions couldn't cure in a second. but the thing was that it still hurt emotionally. and the fact that she didn't want him to suffer made it twenty times worse.
"but i do. and you know i do." he repeated, saying it slower. of course molly would never admit that he did, she was too nice. they both knew that he deserved it, because he hadn't taken care of her. he wondered why she hadn't slapped him yet, it'd make more sense than just...being so nice.
she looked away and he sighed quietly, knowing he had hurt her. there was just no damn way to stop getting hurt if they kept talking! secretly, he wished she'd just get mad and walk away, it would be easier than having this awkward conversation. he just couldn't have it today, when he had completely drained his body of all emotion and then had them thrown back. maybe another day when he was more in focus, or was a bit more awake.
the only way to what...good question. it was the only way to stop getting her hurt, but he couldn't tell her that. she was obviously hurt, anyway, so it wouldn't make a difference. the only way to... he sighed, there was no other answer. maybe it was the only way to save their friendship, if it made sense. he knew that if they kept talking it wouldn't be as before they would slowly drift away. this way, if he cut if from the root, it'd at least be least painful..in the long run.
"i don't know. i just don't know what i should do." he admitted in the end, shaking his head slowly. there, he was giving up. he was too exhausted to deal with this, it was so much more powerful than him...he knew that if they didn't talk now, they'd talk later, someday. but still, it just hurt too much. he threw himself backwards, his back hitting the ground strongly. ouch.
he stayed there for a few silent seconds, with his eyes closed and trying to steady his heart. "i'm sorry for everything, molly. so sorry."he whispered softly, hoping she'd hear. he opened his eyes slowly, and rubbed his temples repetitively, something he did when he was stressed.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 13, 2008 20:12:07 GMT -5
` you don't sleep any more, you don't dream any more
molly would've argued. but she couldn't bring herself to. not to hurt him more, but she just couldn't. she wasn't going to set ricky to hurt him, not even if ryan wanted her to. she couldn't, i'd hurt her too. not phyisically, but mentally.
"i don't know. i just don't know what i should do." he admitted in the end, shaking his head slowly. molly sighed, and nearly cringed when she head him hit the forest floor. She sat at his feet, looking at her arms. she looked at him, her lips forcing a thin line, holding back the words she longed to say, but she didn't want them to sound like she said them purely for pity.
"what about we stay close? that's a solution i'd like," molly whispered looking down at her arms again.
"i'm sorry for everything, molly. so sorry."he whispered softly, hoping she'd hear. molly looked up at him, knowing that he ment it just by the look on his face and the tone of his voice. she struggled in her mind on if she should move to his side and hug him. but, she knew she couldn't. not when their relationship was so fragile.
not knowing how to respond, she attempted to smile, which probably came out badly. unwrapping her arms slightly, she looked toward him again.
"you fell down pretty hard. you didn't break anything did you?" molly questioned, blinking at the way her words could be interpreted in two different ways.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 14, 2008 14:46:20 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] with you. [/center][/font][/blockquote] ryan nearly scoffed, but didn't, as it would have offended her. the solution she'd like...no kidding. to her, he was just a normal friend who she wanted to keep to talk to. just a normal friend that would give advice, and laugh when she laughed. ofcourse she didn't want to lose ryan smith, his best friend. but what should he do? just shrug it off as the feelings for her grew bigger and bigger? that was something that he had tried to do for the last 15 years, and now that he had seen what it looked like, he wouldn't conform with anything else. yes, it was selfish, but he couldn't help it. as staying closer to her would be like drinking some very strong venom that killed your inside slowly. sweet on the lips, but poisoning the body slowly. hm, he should get a prize for metaphorical language, at least he would win something.
he took a deep breath, trying to regain all the courage he'd though lost. if he wanted to save himself, he'd have to hurt her again. maybe it would be good in the long run. if she got mad at him, maybe she'd realize that he wasn't that much of a good friend. maybe she'd stop seeing him as her best friend and see him like an idiot. that way, they'd stop being friends. that way, he wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore.
"but we can't all have happy endings, can we?" he said bitterly, trying to bring some harshness into his voice. he couldn't believe he had just said that, he felt the air leave his lungs. he was hurting her again, but it would be the last time he ever did.
he shook his head, he was fine. the ground was quite comfortable after you got used to the rocks and the roots. maybe he'd stay here and never come back. who would miss him, anyway? chris...well, chris could come and visit whenever he wanted, it's not like he didn't have free time. what about molly? maybe she'd miss him, but hopefully not much after what he had just said. "i'm okay." he managed to say. even after being a complete jerk, molly still cared for him. that was not helping the cause at all. maybe he should just disappear.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 14, 2008 16:08:41 GMT -5
` if you go now, don't ever come back
molly could almost feel her stomach drop, along with her jaw. he wasn't kidding, she thought as she replayed what he said multiple times in her head. he didn't want to talk to her, nor be friend with her. her arms tightened up again, and she moved away from his feet a little.
she wanted to run away, forgive maddison, and just live in her classes for the rest of her stay at the school, and could possibly convince her mother to send her to beaubatons for the rest of her schooling. though she was probably over reacting, it still tore her apart on the inside. and, it still made her mad.
no body ever ended up with a happy ending, in the end. people died, leaving what ever mistakes they made there, leaving unhappy people. happy endings don't technically exist, right? molly just wanted him, as her best friend, or as whatever he wanted her to be. she loved him, for christs sake.
but apparently he didn't want her in any shape or form.
"o-okay. do you want me to go now, because it seems so," molly whispered, a bitter tone and the sound of fighting off tears filling her voice. how could he be so harsh? she was just trying to be nice and be friends again, but he was taking none of it.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 15, 2008 18:58:45 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] you know it will always just be me. [/center][/font][/blockquote] he had it coming, but he still couldn't believe she was leaving. well of course she had gotten sick of him and all his bullshit (in situations like this, who cared about swearing?) deep down inside, he just wanted to tell her that he cared for her deeply, and nothing would hurt him more than hurting her. but he was a stubborn boy, who firmly believed that she only liked him as a friend. i love you where precious words, and they shouldn't be wasted on someone who didn't want them. okay, that was very cruel of him, but he couldn't help but thinking that. even though it will probably make him feel terrible later. but he couldn't worry about later when he had to reply right now.
five minutes ago, the answer was clearly in his brain: please go. but now, as he saw her shocked and hurt expression, he couldn't bring himself to say it. he knew it would hurt like a cold slap, but it would be for the greater good. she'd get over it, over him, and she'd be happy with a boy that would care for her and never hurt her. he just needed her to believe that he was a complete asshole so she'd walk away. that way, she could be happy forever in exchange of suffering just a little bit. on the other hand, him...well, he'll be happy if she was happy.
"i do believe that's the best thing you could do right now." he said, a sign of defeat in his voice. if she just walked away and never came back, maybe he wouldn't have to endure talking to her everyday, pretending everything was alright. at least he could watch her from a safe distance, that way it would hurt less. plus, how she could still want to be his friend escaped him. she must be feeling a horrible pity for him, that was what it was. if he hated himself for what he'd done, why didn't she?
he sighed, not understanding anything, and sat up slowly. the forest was still dark, but he could clearly distinguish molly's figure, her gaze fixated on his, her face torn. he felt a horrible wave of pity wash over him, but his determination to keep her happy won over everything. surely she couldn't be happy when he was being such a jerk, she deserved better.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 16, 2008 16:10:58 GMT -5
` now we are starting to love you more
part of her didn't want to believe what she was doing. but she had to, no matter how hard it was. this was how it was going to be, she guessed. she wouldn't have a choice on what he wanted, and if he wanted her gone, she would do her best to disappear.
molly didn't say anything, or she couldn't for that matter. she just let her legs push her body off the ground, and looked down at ryan for a millisecond before blinking back tears. she refused to cry, she wouldn't. she didn't want to hurt ryan more than she already had, and just looked away quickly.
turning around, molly let go to her grip on her stomach, not caring about anything any more. if he thought it was the best thing she could do, for both of them, she'd do it. wouldn't she? maybe she would, and she was about to find out.
taking slow, tentative steps forward, molly made her way to the grounds of the school, listening in case anything was around her. molly sighed silently, watching as the light from the sun was getting brighter.
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Post by ryan smith on Aug 19, 2008 20:34:52 GMT -5
. ryan. [/size] will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?. [/center][/font][/blockquote] ryan stared silently in disbelief as molly slowly pushed herself off the damp ground. he couldn't believe what he had just said a moment ago. worse, he couldn't believe molly was leaving.
when she started to walk away, he felt ashamed of himself, and dropped his gaze from hers. he couldn't bare to watch, knowing that it was him who has caused it all. how could he have made her suffer so much? he shook his head, he had been an idiot. he hadn't lost her that day, no, he was losing her now. and all because he couldn't stop thinking about himself. sure, he had thought he knew what was best for her. he thought that, if they stopped talking, she'd be happier. he thought that it would stop him from hurting her again. but, as he saw her expression as she slowly walked away, he wasn't sure he knew what she wanted. he wasn't sure he knew her at all.
it then hit him, all of a sudden, that he had just hurt her more than ever before. all of a sudden, he wanted to turn back time, and stop those words from coming out. stop back time and realize what he was saying, what he was doing, and stop it from happening. how could he have been so selfish and not realize that he'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
he couldn't believe what he had just done. he'd ruined 16 years of friendship because he couldn't conform with being her friend. if he loved her as much, how could he hurt her like this? surely those 16 years were as important to her as they were to him, and ruining them like this felt criminal. all those experiences together ruined, and it was all his fault. she couldn't be very happy about that.
"molly..." he muttered, pushing himself up from the ground. he felt heavy, as if his guilt pushed him down. "molly, wait!" he repeated, louder this time as he saw her figure walking away, getting lost through the trees. "molly... molly!" he exclaimed as he started running towards her, nearly tripping over over the roots that covered the ground. he couldn't...he wouldn't let her go. if she could just wait... "molly! molly, please wait!" he screamed helplessly, nearly out of breath. if she could just stop and listen, he'd tell her the truth. no more secrets for him. if she could just wait...molly...molly i'm so sorry, please listen to me." he said, gasping for breath. he was catching up to her now, only a couple meters more. would she listen to what he wanted to say, or did she hate him so much she'd refuse to listen?
finally, he caught up with her, and felt horribly guilty for everything again. breathing in, he concentrated on what he wanted to say to her. his breathing went to normal again, making thinking clearly much easier. his throat was dry. he licked his lips.
"molly," he said again, his voice hoarse, "i am so, so sorry for everything. i'm sorry for hurting you over and over, i'm sorry for treating you unfairly, 'm sorry for not being what you deserve."he looked down, biting his lip. okay, that was over. now he just had to continue. he looked up again. "that's why i wanted to stay away, because i know i keep hurting you and you deserve better. i want you to forgive molly, because i see it now...i can't live without you. i can't push you away from my life." he shrugged and breathed deeply, happy to have gotten that off his chest.
now he just had to tell her the most important thing: that he loved her. but he waited cautiously until his words sunk in. she could be mad, and scream all she wanted to, but he was still going to tell her. he held onto her gaze for a little longer.
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Post by molly driver on Aug 20, 2008 20:14:34 GMT -5
` i can't make this life alone
she was positive it was him who was calling her name, unless it was her imagination. which, at this point, she was sure it was. but, when she heard footsteps pounding behind her, and his sharp breaths, she was sure it was actually him. pat of it shocked her, the other part wasn't surprised.
he was her best friend, and vice versa, correct? sure, she'd loved him for a long time, but he didn't feel the same way. he couldn't. could he?
"molly," he said again, his voice hoarse, "i am so, so sorry for everything. i'm sorry for hurting you over and over, i'm sorry for treating you unfairly, 'm sorry for not being what you deserve."he looked down, biting his lip. okay, that was over. now he just had to continue. he looked up again. "that's why i wanted to stay away, because i know i keep hurting you and you deserve better. i want you to forgive molly, because i see it now...i can't live without you. i can't push you away from my life." he shrugged and breathed deeply, happy to have gotten that off his chest.
molly felt like falling. falling to her knees, into him, what ever her body possessed her to do. she couldn't believe it, ry, the boy she'd fallen in love with, somehow loved her back. she thought she wasn't much to love, but apparently, she must have been.
but, she didn't know what to say. the voice inside her head and heart screamed for her to hold him close and tell him the same. tell him that she always had. but, her body wouldn't obey. her mouth just stammered, like it was searching for words, when her mind wasn't.
she started to say something, but what she didn't know. it name out in stammers, incoherently too. it sounded like she was an idiot, which she most likely was.
"ry," she whispered, clearing her throat. "i - i - i don't know w-" she cut herself off. of course she knew, but how to say it was a different thing in and of itself. she cluped, and looked back into his eyes. she yearned to say the same, but she didn't know how.
or, if she could. at least, after everything that had just happened.
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